So I registered to vote today. I was on my way to a lunch meeting, and there in my inner city St. Louis neighborhood was a sign: Register Here to Vote. So I dropped in to do my change of address, since it saved me a trip to the library.

Valerie, a heavyset African-American receptionist was there to greet me. She was on the phone talking on a personal call (I overheard), when I walked in. I mouthed to her that I needed to register to vote., whereby surprisingly, she quickly ended her call. She got up and ambled her extremely large bosomed, large bottom, two-axle body over to the desk at the other side of the room, where the voter registration forms were kept. Excitedly, she retrieved the form, and watched my every entry like a mongoose would watch a cobra. She reviewed my form, twice, stating that “…we can’t let them do anything to us, this time”, I’m guessing in reference to Bush stealing the election from Gore in 2000. I doubt it ever crossed her mind that I would not be voting for Obama, less my registration get lost in the mail. I was mum.

Valerie’s comments made me reflect on another instance where one of my ghetto sisters made the assumption that I was voting for Obama, like when I was at the casino. This particular time another of my Nubian sisters, whom I learned was a single mom, and from East Saint Louis flirted with the idea that I was an Obamaite.

The blackjack table had been brutal for a couple of shoes, but then our luck started to change. I jokingly made reference to the old Sam Cooke song, “A Change is Gonna Come”, which was swiftly interpreted by my gambling partner as a reference to Obama. Interestingly enough, she began speaking in “code” to me. Code is the language that we Blacks use, when we don’t really want “Whitey” to understand what we are saying, but it is not totally ebonics, per se. The uncoded language was that we not only needed change to our cards and start winning money, but we needed a change in government. Hint to White people: The word “change” is code for “elect Obama”, but you didn’t hear it here. [Wink]

Typically I take these opportunities to educate my misinformed brethren and “sisteren” of our history with the Democratic Party. However in both these cases, I simply “let it ride”. I didn’t go into the history of racism by the Democrats and the fact that Democrats are the biggest historical oppressors of Black people [and continue to be]. I didn’t inform them of the fact that Republicans freed the slaves, and so on. If you know me, this is really a point to ponder, since I relish these opportunities, usually…

Contrast this with a situation, where the subject of politics came up, however this time with a “society brotha”. On this occasion I was golfing with the Black mayor of a local municipality. We began a discussion on politics, and he presumed I was a Democrat. Statistically speaking, he had a 94% chance of being right. He commented on how McCain was more of the same [as Bush], to which I replied, I am a staunch Conservative, and at least McCain is on the right side of issues, e.g. taxes, international affairs, and all other issues, I quipped. The mayor said that he was a Conservative, but that he is considering voting for Obama. As we all know, there is no such thing as a true Conservative who would consider voting for Obama. But I didn’t let him know that I was aware of his subterfuge [insert mystery music here]…

As our round continued, he finally decided to bate me on various issues, like the war, education, etc., thus exposing his true Liberal colors. To cut to the chase, I gave him the challenge I give to all Democrats. That challenge is if a Democrat can name me one thing that Blacks voting 94% Democrat has done to improve our lives as a people, that is specific to Democrats, then I will pay their mortgage for each issue. For the record, I have made this bet with Democrats from all walks of life, including political science professors, and have yet to have to pay a dime. I must admit, I love to watch the wheels turn, as they ponder the question. They remind me of my dog watching me, as I prepare my taxes. The mayor was no exception.

After some deliberation, the mayor exclaims, “The Civil Rights Act”, as though he has had an “ah HA” moment, and likely sensing that his mortgage for that month was safe in hand. Fear not fellow Conservatives, for I am a learned Black Republican, and I savor these moments, as Emeril does fresh herbs. And though armed with immense historical facts and knowledge in this area, I chose not to explode the mayor’s brain, and not “empty my clip” in him. My response was thus.

“The first Civil Rights Act was signed into law in 1871, which protected Blacks from the KKK, and was affectionately known as The Ku Klux Klan Act of 1871. Though many of the tenets of the original act are in force to this day, the Civil Rights Act was “modernized” by Eisenhauer, with the support of Barry Goldwater and other Republican senators, into the Civil Rights Acts of 1960, then 1964, which Lyndon Johnson signed, and thus the Democrats usurped.”

“Next issue”, I inquired? The crickets I hear to this day still bother me, as his silence was deafening…

So now my question is: Am I a sexist, a classist, since I engaged the Black mayor, but I didn’t engage my two female Obamaites of lesser social status? Did I feel that a lesson in Black history would go unheeded, dare I say unheard, lost on these two women, but that the seemingly successful Black mayor might actually get it? An epiphany!

I was shocked to realize that I have been blinded by the White world in which I live. Yes, my home is in the city, a haven for Democrats, and my neighbors are mostly Black. But that is just the window dressing, I fear. My world is still White. Proof you say?

Well I work mainly with, yes, you guessed it…Whites. I did an assessment of my friends, and I have more White friends pro rata, than I have Blacks. And Whites, devious they are, have now infiltrated my family, with two of my relatives having married Whites. And yes, I even have a White fiancée!

So it was inevitable. I have become a sellout. How else can I have formulated these views and succumbed to the White way of life? The nerve of me to actually have gained historical perspective on the Black condition, and to hold the Democrats responsible, particularly in this potentially historic time in American history! "Elect Obama at all cost" should be my battle cry...my mantra! However the racism in my life is so prevalent, yet so opaque. Thus is its subtlety. I had no idea how disruptive I had become to the mission! I mean actually respecting Bill Cosby over Snoop Dogg. I stand here…ashamed!

So like 94% of Blacks, I am now going to turn on my Black Republicans, revoking my status, yes a self-imposed exile. I realize my departure from the Black Republicans might officially get them on the endangered species list, however that is now their cross to bear. Frankly, in my new way of thinking, Black Republicans should be made to go the way of the Dodo, the Sabertooth, the Wooly Mammoth, and others.

I begin my transfer to the Democratic Party by denouncing Condoleeze Rice, oops, I mean “Condoskeeza” Rice, to quote Reverend Wright, whom I now follow religiously, pardon the pun. How dare I want young Black women to emulate a heifer, a skeeza like her? What has she accomplished with her meaningless life? What? Become the 3rd most powerful person in the free world? Big deal. And her multiple PhDs, and expertise in Russian? Just a product of affirmative action gone dreadfully wrong!

I further denounce Colin Powell, who though Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, was a puppet for “the man”. You know, “the man”, defined as the highest ranking Republican in charge at any point in history. There, I exposed, “the man”. As for Colin Powell, I appreciate him disappearing into the woodwork, and not flaunting his “Republicanism”, perhaps leading other gullible Blacks astray.

Other Black Republican notables of recent time, whom I now vehemently denounce are Clarence Thomas, JC Watts, Lynn Swann, Alfonso Jackson, and Michael Steele to name a few. Lord knows all these people are just an embarrassment to the Black race. These people, all, would be wise to follow in the footsteps of one of our great Black leaders, rapper, mogul…Diddy. His words about Sarah Palin, well how could you not be inspired by this prose? “…Sarah Palin…man, I mean, who is she. Man, don’t nobody know nothin’ about her. Sarah Palin, I mean, man, come on” . These words touched me…

The student of history that I am, I did a little research and uncovered some Black Republicans, who have been on the “down low”. You will undoubtedly recognize some of the names, and I curse my teachers for allowing me to respect these “closet Republicans” for all these years, without “outing” them as Republicans. So I want to officially and publicly denounce the following: Frederick Douglas, Sojourner Truth, George Washington Carver, and Martin Luther King, Jr. Yes, I denounce all these silly Negroes for their insolence in supporting the Republican party. MLK, to know that they have named all these streets after you and given you a holiday, well I don’t have the English words. So I say to you, “Et tu, Brute…et tu.” I take solace in the fact that your streets are the most violent in America, likely God’s penance for your act of betrayal to the Black community.

Me? I am now a proud member of the Democratic Party. I proudly join the ranks of segregationist Hugo Black, a great man in our party. He was right in his ideas to keep Black subservient in the 60’s, as we were not ready to be treated as first-class citizens back then. We were waiting on our new Messiah, Obama! Let’s take our lesson from Hugo, in that some people shouldn’t have their rights too early…like Iraqi people. So I thank Hugo for that, and damn George Bush for freeing 22 million Iraqis, way too soon!

And let’s not forget Senator Robert Byrd, Democrat and former kleagle of the KKK. He led the filibuster against the Civil Rights Act of 1964, and like Hugo, he knew what was best for my people at that time. Thankfully, this Democrat trouncing of Black people’s basic human rights led us to a better time for Blacks in America today, as our Messiah has come. I can hardly wait to see the light that Obama says will shine down on me, when I pull that lever for him in November. I need to take a moment…Ok, I’m fine now.

Another reason for my pride in my new party is Senator Ernest Hollings, and his raising of the Confederate flag in South Carolina in defiance of the civil rights laws. I stand by you, my proud White Democrat brother. Your support of this symbol of slavery is a reminder of my past and the oppression from which Obama will lift me and the rest of my people.

And speaking of brothers, I stand by Reverend Jesse Jackson and his anti-Semitic slurs against the Jews, because he is on the side of right in our fight against those racist, sexist, humanist, and other “ist” Republicans. And his views on the Jews, well let’s just say that Jesse was ahead of his time, a thinker, and like Black and Byrd, a visionary.

So I join Obama in his need to let babies who survived abortions to die naturally. Because as he so eloquently put it, “…Why should the woman be burdened, uh, with a baby]?”. And I join Obama in his persecution of all the near-do-wells who make over $250K, obviously at the expense of some poor welfare recipient or some porch-sitter who, though unqualified, should have that high paying job.

I am now a firm believer in the government’s ability to spend my money better than I. I don’t know how to invest or to provide for my family better than the government, and I have historical basis to know this. I should have just looked at how well the Fed has performed with HUD, Social Security, the postal system, Medicare/Medicaid, and the host of other efficiently run Federal programs. And in more recent history, the mortgage crisis. Just look at how all the Democrats who were complicit in allowing this crisis to occur are standing up and fixing this potentially catastrophic problem with our money. The concept of taking all the bad debt from failed companies, leaving them profitable and intact is brilliant. Thank you Nancy Pelosi, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and most of all my new Messiah…Barack Obama! After all, he accepted more money from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac than all the other senators, so he obviously was well ahead of this debacle. Pure genius!

So Democratic Party, I beg of you to forgive a 45 year old Black man, who had lost his way? I promise to accept my welfare check, Section 8(a) housing, WIC, AFDC, and ‘guvment’ cheese, with the grin of a Cheshire cat. And though statistically I won’t live long enough to receive my social security benefits, it is nice to know it is there for me. Add socialized medicine to the equation, then piss on me and tell me it's raining!

For all this, I promise to be a good “house negro” or Senate negro [for those of you who get that joke!], if allowed back in. Maybe I can work for Ted Kennedy, John Kerry or George Soros, “...if I’s real good, Massa?”

And in the words of my new spiritual advisor, the most holy Reverend Wright, “…God bless American? Naw, God damn America.” ‘Specially them Republicans!

That's my rant!

© 2008 Kevin Jackson - The Black Sphere

Why I Might Vote for Obama - Satire