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Friday, October 24, 2008

The Intervention

I was recently invited by my cousin, a Democrat, to attend a Black Democrat "post debate get-together." As a known Republican in my family and the Black community where I live, they said they were interested in my point of view.

Being a political junkie, I was interested to get my fix. Yes politics is my drug of choice.

The event was advertised as "A Peaceful Discourse on the Subject of Politics - We welcome differing views." I thought to myself, "…Yeah right, and streets named after MLK are the safest streets in America…NOT!" My grandmother didn't raise no fool! Anything that you have to advertise as "peaceful" has the potential to be violent.

But I am not a punk, so I decided to go, as I felt the ideas they would espouse would be "experimental drugs" and would sate my need for the "hard stuff" -- you know, the election, the potential to elect our first terrorist-sympathizer as president, and the people who support him.

As I prepared to go, I "shot up" on my facts, reviewing Unfounded Loyalty, by Dr. Wayne Perryman, a book that was a revelation on how Blacks have been shafted by Democrats for years. I reviewed Timelines of African American History, so I wouldn't get the shakes during the event, and would be properly armed with information on Black Republicans throughout history.

The message coursed through my mind: Republicans, GOOD - Party of Lincoln, freed the slaves, Civil Rights Act of 1875, 1960, 1964, started Historically Black Colleges. Democrats BAD - Jim Crow laws, poll taxes, high taxes, lynchings, George Wallace, Senator Byrd, KKK, racists. My head was spinning, and yes, I was tripping, pupils dilated. I was ready to go.

I hid an extra hit, bringing the book 1001 Things Everyone Should Know About African American History. OK that was enough for me to share with other junkies, should I make a few converts and feel magnanimous. I was willing to share my "stuff".

Into my cousin's car I slid, concealing my 'stash', and wearing sunglasses to hide my dilated pupils and glazed over eyeballs. I wondered why we were taking his hoop-t, and not my Acura. But then again, I was in no condition to drive, Man.

Being a Democrat, he would hit me up for gas I figured, because Lord knows though we were only going seven miles, his "out of gas" light would come on. I anticipated that he would ask me for some money, as if our trip was the reason. This is a textbook Democrat ploy.

Sure enough, a minute later like clockwork there it was. I can't say for sure, but I think he pushed concealed button to get the light to come on.

"Yo Cuz, spot me twenty, til I see you again? I need to get that petro.", my cousin extorted.

I thought, "Only $20…Suckerrrrr! Haha, I had $50 on me and that sucka left $30 on the table."

Fully gassed, we headed off to the event. Left on Russell to Grand. Left on Grand. Two miles…wait a minute, check cashing place, self-serve car wash, liquor store, Chinese restaurant, bail bond, Chinese restaurant, Quik-Trip gas station, liquor store…wait a minute, hmmm…Chinese restaurant, Korean dry cleaner, check cashing place, bail bond, massage parlor [mental note], liquor store, Del Taco…wait a minute! "This is not the place where we are supposed to be going", I shout.

We arrive, where I find other members of my family sitting there, teary eyed, with their letters, notepads and hankerchiefs. There is a guy I don't know, who says to me, "Kevin, your family is here because they all love you," as I glance around the room to see everyone nodding and trying to smile, behind the tears.

The stranger continues, "Your family members are going to say a few things to you, then you can say a few things, then you are free to go."

I was at a Black Republican intervention!!!

So my older sister is first to go, and she says to me, "…Kevin...I've watch you for the past 37 years, since you were eight years old, do this to yourself [pause, wipe tear] and I can't take it anymore. If you insist on being a Black Republican, then I will have no choice but to continue to ask you for money, that I will never repay. And I will continue to show up unannounced at your home, and eat all your food, never bringing a dish. And I will ask you to watch my kids for a minute, only to stay away the entire day, regardless of your plans."

She continued, "...But if you take this gift, and it's a gift of love, that we are offering you today only...and go to 'Rehab for Black Republicans', [intentional run-on sentence, for you purist] and get the help you need, so you will no longer keep asking me for the money back, that you loaned me and instead consider it the gift that it needed to be, though I did ask for a loan, because you have the money, and it wasn't like you would miss it anyway, and stop being 'perturbed' because I won't stop to buy Cokes on the way to your house for dinner…anyway, take the gift!", she implored, yes begged of me.

Next was my cousin, then an uncle, and an aunt…they were ruining my buzz, and I began shouting uncontrollably things like, "reparations, and…Jesse Jackson, and love child, Bill Clinton wears Al Sharpton wigs, US of KKKA, Oprah, socialism, raise my taxes, Madonna loves Bush..." [see if you pick up that double entendre!]

Then I began speaking in tongues, and with Turrets, saying repeatedly, "Mattel an' Mimosa: Tepatated at Bird" [Translated: Michelle and Amarosa separated at birth]. Then somebody slapped me…

I went to rehab, and was walking the line for 32 days. But they found my copy of Black Puritan, Black Republican: The Life and Thought of Lemuel Haynes, 1753-1833 by John Saillant, and they kicked me out. I haven't been clean since.

That's my rant!

© 2008 Kevin Jackson – The Black Sphere All Rights Reserved


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15 comments:

Batman said...

Great stuff, Kevin.

Donald said...

You have a way with words which only a black man could get away with. I had a similar conversation with a friend (black republican)yesterday. He said his mother said Sarah Pallin is racist because of the "hockey mom" comment. He said it exculded Black mothers. I asked him if she said "Hoops Mom" would that have made a difference? I also told him her message was to white women because 90% of the black vote already will be going to Obama. Why would she use "Hoops Mom" when that is not her targeted audience. He said I was ignorant and do not understand Black people. I hope and pray someday Black people wake up and start to see it is the republicans that are trying to help them and not hold them back.

Conservative Black Woman said...

ROFL, that's hysterical! I think my family would love to have an intervention with me -- I seem to make them so angry. You know how black folks must all be of one mind in order to be authentically black. What can you do except make light of this sad situation? Awesome post!

Batman said...

What both of you probably already understand is that until the media gets off the Democrat bandwagon, none of what you suggest will take place. Which is a sad state of affairs, if you ask me. A better question might be, how do we get the word out? I'm just one guy....

The Black Sphere said...

Donald, thanks for the comment and for entering the Black Sphere! As for your friend, the Black Republican, I give him props for that most excellent political choice. However he loses "two cool points" (pardon the cheesy basketball score analogy) for not understanding your comment about "Hoops Mom". Apparently he is still "in training" as a complete Republican. As for the political state of Blacks, we agree. Unfortunately it is going to take something "defining" for a real change, i.e. Blacks start owning more businesses, or Obama's trickle up poverty really hits home in the Black community. As long as we are the benefactors, don't expect a lot of change. Nevertheless, there are those among us, who will remain vocal, and we will "out" our compadres for being racists, classists, and so on. Thanks again for your comment.

The Black Sphere said...

Robin, thanks for stopping by. You know I am a huge fan of your blog, and we are of "one mind". I was happy to make you ROLF! :-)

Anonymous said...

This is a great website. I can't tear myself away form it. I have never met a black republican before. I knew they were out there. Because people are people no matter what color their skin is. I can't wait to turn others on to this website!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Very impressive. Can't wait for more.

SureHowDoYouKnow said...

New fan here! Great story! I love the writing! Thank you!!

machinepolitick said...

Very good article, as well as amusing. I sympathize with your position, which is not to say I feel sorry for you. I know it must be hard to have a family that would do such a thing, or have such expectations regarding your time and wealth.
As a white girl, I have no idea what it means to 'grow up black in America', but I have to think it would be a whole lot easier without all this Liberal meddling.
As a Libertarian political artist, I have a similar perspective on the Liberal community. In their eyes, I'm worse than a Republican, because I know the Constitution, and expect the government to follow it. Therefor, I frequently have similar experiences to yours with my artist friends.
I didn't get the memo saying you have to be Liberal to be a great artist. It's too late now, I've put to much into my personal philosophy and talent as an artist(www.machinepolitick.com) to step down because my ideas are controversial to my peers. I won't even got into the issues I deal with regarding open-mindedness and tolerance. That door only swings one way.
I wish you luck, and look forward to reading your blog again. I would also love to hear what you think of my work, even if you hate it. I, too, revel in confrontation.

Anonymous said...

EMFK on 12/06/2008

This article, while a satire, rings true for many people regardless of race. Thanks for posting theblacksphere.

Anonymous said...

mmaine on 12/06/2008

Wonderful rant theblacksphere!
Although "rehab" is a good thing, I'm very happy it didn't work for you.

Anonymous said...

thoughtsonthis on 12/08/2008

As usual, a great article.

palinspired said...

As always, a great read! I follow you on twitter & promote your site @palinspired www.palinspired.com

The Black Sphere said...

@palinspired - Thanks for the comment and for getting others to my blog!